Thursday, January 3, 2013

A Tongue In Cheek Review: Twilight by Stephanie Meyer

Okay, so I'm cheating here.  I'm sure all of my GReeps have seen this already, but we are reaching a broader audience than I was writing to when I originally put this out there, so it will be new to at least some of you.

So why am I republishing it instead of writing original content?  Well, cuz I'm a bit of a procrastinator and I got behind of course, but that isn't the only reason.  I'm going to make this my inaugural post of a semi regular feature I'm calling "Tongue-In-Cheek Reviews."  The point of the re-post is to show you what exactly that is.

See, the idea is that on some irregular time line, known only to me, I'll write a review of a fairly well known book.  Only it's a review with a twist.  Actually it's not a real review at all.  It's a review that I'll be writing in a style of y'all's choosing, unless of course I don't get any suggestions or I just feel like picking my own.  Feeling confused?

Read on and enjoy, you'll get the idea. In the comments please leave a suggestion for a style or character you would like me to use and the book you'd like me to review.

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Warning! This was written for shear entertainment value, views expressed may not be the actual views of the writer. If you have not read the Twilight books or seen the movies, you may not want to continue as I've made no attempt to hide spoilers. You have been warned!!
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So like, I don't know... a few years ago, I read this book. I think it was called, um, like "Sunset" or "Night Time" or "It's Getting Dark Outside"... something like that. Oh c'mon, seriously!... it had that tre hawt vampire dude and that totally emo gurl in it! Um, and, like, that wolf boy too, only like, we didn't find out he was like, a wolf boy until, you know, like the second book or whatever. Ya know, um, like the book with the totally trippendicular apple on the cover.

That book was, like, totally rad, but like, I'm so suuure, a piece of fruit? Seriously?! I totally don't get it. Is it, like, supposed to make me hungry or somethin? I don't know, maybe it's, like, some stupid metaphorical crap, you know, like forbidden fruit. Which is, like, way so weird cuz, um, like, my mom... she never told me I couldn't, like, ya know, eat an apple if I wanted to sooo... Well, there was this one time, where, like, the apples were, um, like, all moldy and stuff, and mom was like, don't eat those, and I was like, "Gah! Ma-uuum, totally, gag me with a spoon! Yeah, like I'm gonna eat one of those. Duh!" ANYway, passion fruit... Like, that would so totally make more sense, but what-ever.

So like, emo gurl, is, um, like, from Arizona, only like her mom is totally in luv with this baseball guy and like, so emo gurl, decides to go live with her dad in, um, this town called Forks. It rains there, like, all the time, so that's where the way crucial vampires go, cuz ya know, sparkly skin in the sunlight and all, hellooo. So emo gurl starts school and all the primo guys are totally like, "she's totally awesome," but she's like, "gag me, boy toys, I'm all about hawt vampire dude," only she doesn't know he's, um, like, a vampire, yet. So, yeah, it's like that.

Anyway, like, this Stephenie chick... she's not like, ya know, the most fantabulous writer ever, but she's, like, way so easy to read, and her books are, like totally, fun. Like, totally... Um, except for like that lame-o shopping scene. I mean like, duh, prom dress shopping, and all emo gurl can think about is some stupid book? As if! Like, what a betch. Her friends are like totally in the middle of a fashion crisis, and like she just wants to go to a book store? Really?! Um, like, if one of my chickadees, like totally bailed on me, there would be, like, soooo much trouble.

Like this one time, um, me and my bestie, Brittney were like, ya know, out shopping with Megan (gag me) and like Brittney found this trippin pair of Jimmy Choos, but like, they totally clashed with her new Louis Vuitton, and I was like, "Oh my gawd, you like totally have to get them anyway, they'll be mag with your Dolce," and Brittney was like, "yeah, but I can't carry my Dolce when I'm, like, wearing that Christian Dior," and I was like, "duh! that would be totally grody," and I'm like looking at Megan, who's totally burried in her cell, and I'm like, "Megan, helloooo! some help here, what do you think?" and Megan was like, "Oh my gawd, my mom just texted me that my dad was in a car crash, I gotta go!" And then she, like... left. What-ever... Betch!

Gah, so frustrating... anyway, like, what was I sayin?... Oh, yeah! Um, Chica writes tasty man candy, yum! Totally hawt vampire dude, ftw. Um, there is NO way I play for team furball, Duh! Men are totally dawg-like enough without, ya know, shedding everywhere. Like, do you have ANY idea how hard it is to get dawg fur off of chiffon?! Barf me out!

So, um, I'm, like, readin this book and, like, there's this one part, where, like, hawt vampire dude is totally like sneakin into emo gurl's room at night and, like, ya know, um, watchin her, like sleep and stuff. And I'm kinda like, oh my gawd, that is so, um, ya know, like creepy. But then, I'm like, fer sure, betch, he's like totally a vampire, and he's soooooo hawt, so it's, like, all good and stuff... and um even tho, he like totally wants to, like, ya know, bite her and suck her blood, he like, totally loves her and stuff. So then, I was like, awwwe, that's like, soooo sweet. Seriously! Like, where can I get me some vampire lovin'?

Okay! So like there ya go! In summary, totally stay away from, like, moldy apples (bleh, grody to the max), shopping rules- bookstores drool (as if), duh! wolf hair is not a fashion accessory (I'm so sure), and creepy guys should, like totally stay out of the bedroom unless they are totally hawt vampire dudes (seriously!). I love Twilight, it's, like, soooo relevant!



  1. This is so awesome! Thank you for sharing it, I laughed so hard my sides hurt!