Thursday, January 17, 2013

GReeps Through The Shelves: Episode I: What the ?!?

So in addition to my Tongue-in-Cheek Reviews, this is the second semi regular feature I envision for my Thursdays.  Don't ask me how often, I don't know.

The idea is to write a story using our contributors as the main characters. The story will primarily take place in the GReepsville Public Library where our heroines work as Librarians.  It will be a series of vignettes each more or less self contained.  It's mostly silly stuff, but I hope it'll warrant a chuckle from time to time.

The impetus for most of the stories will be odd, library related pictures I find on the Internet. If, in your Internet wanderings you find a picture you think you would like me to build a story around... place a URL to the picture in the comments below.  If I like it and can come up with somthing for it, YOUR picture will take center stage!

At some point I am planning to set up some form of metaplot at which point the series will become somewhat of a mystery / who dun it.

So without any further adieu...
A long time ago, in a library far far away...

Dramatic orchestral music blares into existence.  As the blue glowing sentence fades to black, it is  replaced by the title written in an outlined semi blocky script

GReeps Through the Shelves
Episode I: What the ?!?

The title shot, at once large slides backwards into the far reaches of space.  As it disappears, text begins to scroll across the screen.

It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire. During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire’s ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet.

Oblivious to the greater happenings in the galaxy at large, a rag tag band of librarians struggle in a conflict of their own to bring piece and tranquility to the stacks. Custodians of the card catalogue that can help the people of Greepsville find what they want to read and restore order to the bookshelves...

As the crawl completes it’s journey into inky blackness, the camera pans down revealing the glowing blue orb of earth.  Quick zoom through the atmosphere sliding in until we see the continent then the town of Greepsville, thru the roof of the Greepsville public library finally focusing on Ashley sitting behind a computer at the circulation desk.

Kate enters through the sliding glass doors of the library entrance, passes through the anti-theft scanners, and walks up to Ashley.

Kate: What’s the word, Chica?

Ashley’s mouth quirks into a smile.  She continues to stare at the monitor and type

Ashley:  Don’t let Jen hear you ask that question.

Kate: Gah! ASH!! Now it’s friggin’ stuck in my head... Thank you, very much!

Ashley: What? It’s not like I started singing it.

Krista leaving the office behind the circulation desk comes to stand behind Ashley

Krista: Singing what?

Kate: Don’t you dare, Ash...

A maniacal look crosses Ashley’s face as she stops typing and looks into Kate’s eyes.

Kate: I mean it, Ashley, don’t yo-

Ashley pushes away from the desk. As the chair rolls away she begins singing

Ashley: Bird bird bird, the bird is the word!
             Bird bird bird, the bird is the word! Yeah!
             Well everybody's heard, about the bird!

Krista [laughing]: I had to ask...

Kate: Damn you Ashley... now I’ll NEVER get it out.

At that moment, Sonnie comes racing to the counter from behind the shelves of the Science Fiction seciton

Sonnie [to loudly]: No. F’ing. Way!!

Library patrons hiss at her to keep it down.

Krista: What?!

Sonnie [urgently whispering]: I just saw a frigging JAWA over in Science Fiction

Kate: Get out!

Sonnie: No, seriously! Glowing eyes and everything!

Krista: You saw a REAL jawa?

Ashley: Like from Tatooine?

Sonnie: F’ing right!

Kate’s eyes become large and glassy. The smile on her face is like a kid’s at Christmas as she bolts back in the direction Sonnie came from.  Sonnie, Ashley and Krista follow.

As they round a shelf in science fiction, a storm trooper sitting at a computer terminal comes into view.

Storm Trooper One: The Death Star plans are not in the main computer!

Kate: NO WAY!

By the shelves, two more storm troopers and a Jawa are going through the books on the she shelf. At Kate’s outburst, the one kneeling on the floor rises, book dangling from his left hand, blast in his right raised toward Kate

Ashley: Erm... Kate... maybe we should just take a step back... ya know? Nothing to see here.

Storm Trooper Two [draws blaster threateningly]: How long have you had these books?

Sonnie: Ummm... Two or three seasons?

Sonnie [continuing excitedly]: They’re up for sale if you want them!

Storm Trooper Two: We’re going to need to see some identification.

Kate [Laughing, waves her hand in front of the storm trooper’s face]: You don’t need to see her identification, these aren’t the books you’re looking for.

The other two storm troopers draw their blasters and advance toward Kate.

Ashley: Yeah... see, that wasn’t a very good idea, Kate... what’s with all the hand waving anyway, you think you’re some kind of Jedi or something?!

Kate: Well, it worked in the Movie! They’re just costumes anyway.

A storm trooper points his blaster at the chair by the computer terminal and blasts it.  The Chair melts into so much slag.

Ashley: Wow... that looked pretty real, Kate.

Krista: Hey! You can’t run around blasting Library property without a care in the world!  Who do you think has to pay for that! The tax payers, that’s who! I bet the Empire collects a hefty chunk of change out of your salary too, doesn’t it! You trying to get them to raise taxes or something?! I guess you like working for PEANUTS. You should be ashamed of yourself.

The storm trooper hangs his head dejectedly

Krista [gesturing at the remaining two storm troopers]: AND YOU! Don’t you realize who we are?  We’re LIBRARIANS that’s who!  You can’t be tearing up our shelves, threatening patrons and staff, and destroying the furniture in some willy nilly quest for the Death Star plans! This is a Library and order MUST be maintained!

Storm Trooper Three: We... we’re sorry, ma’am... hor...horribly rude of us.

The jawa titters, Krista shoots him a stern look and he quickly falls silent. Ashley, Kate, and Sonnie stand there gaping at Krista

Krista: If you can’t find these plans you’re looking for did it even occur to you to ASK one of us... we ARE reference librarians, don’t you know?!

The storm troopers kick the ground and sway from side to side looking down in a dejected fashion

Krista: Now.  Kate, I believe your shift was just starting? Take these fine storm troopers up to the front, and see if you can find them what they’re looking for in the card catalogue, please?

Kate: Uh... yeah... sure, Krista.

Kate leads the trio of storm troopers and the jawa back to the circulation desk and sits behind the computer.

Ashley [watching the retreating storm troopers]: OMG, Krista that was da bomb yo diggity.

Krista: Yeah, storm troopers are just clones of Jango Fett’s they’ve had no real upbringing to speak of.  I had a hunch they’d respect parentalesque authority!

Ashley [laughing]: Only you would have thought of that... well, maybe, M, would have... but I mean really... that rocked.

Sonnie: Let’s go up to the desk and make sure everything’s all good with Kate.

Krista: Good idea.

Back at the circulation desk...

Kate: Let’s see... Death Star Plans... hmm... Death Star Plans

Storm Trooper One: I already looked, they aren’t in the main computer.

Kate: Let the master librarian work, okay?!

Kate begins humming "Bird is the word" under her breath...

Kate: Ah! Here we go.

Storm Trooper One: NO WAY!

Kate: Way! Star Wars: Death Star Technical Companion by Bill Slavicsek. That’s in Gaming SLA 301

Sonnie: I’ll get it!

Storm Trooper Three: This is so great... Wait til we get this back to Vader... We are going to be soooooo set.

Storm Trooper Two: I know right?! And the rest of the squad is on that stupid desert planet roasting away under two suns!!

Sonnie comes running back, book in hand

Kate: I don’t suppose any of you have a library card do you?




  1. There is so much awesome contained in this one post, I don't even know where to begin. If only I could be that cool (and if only my kids could listen as well as those Storm Troopers) IRL...